i like to write, i think. sometimes i like to write about my feelings. sometimes its the only way i can express them, and get them out. lately i have a lot of feelings...some of them very conflicting. some of them very complicated. but the one constant in my life is my love of dogs. my mom always said to me when i started having kids, my love for animals would fade. i kept waiting for this to happen, after i had one, two, three...even four and five kids. the attraction never went away. i still wanted a loyal canine by my side. this animal love spread like wild fire over the years, and i even ended up with a coop full of egg laying chickens (yes, we ate fresh eggs every day, however the magic kinda wained when they started killing each other), stray cats wandering the house (otherwise known as coyote bait), breeding chinchillas (theres nothing better than discovering fully furred tiny baby chins who were born the night before) in a comfortable cage on the back patio, and a large aviary full of exotic, rare little birds. all of these animals have a story...even as a teenager, i raised a duck, hatched from an egg, its nest ravaged by a vicious snake. i think he thought i was his mother, as i was the first living thing he saw...thats another story for another day. i should really write a book...or commit myself to the local psycho ward.
animals deeply fascinate me. their loyalty is uncanny. so rare and so special. maybe the average joe isnt impressed or enamoured with this unwavering integrity...but i am. for a number of reasons, which i wont go into.
so i had this dog. or should i say, have. he is still mine, and he still lives, just in a different place. he is a blue dog. a loyal dog. he became part of me from the moment i saw him as a gangly 4 month old pup, even half price because of his age. he was no longer a silky, wide eyed newborn, his puppy allure was fading fast, and perhaps no one saw his inner beauty. he was last pick of the litter, and discarded to a pen waiting to meet his fate. but i immediately loved him, as he was introduced to me as a last resort. from the moment we met, he was by my side constantly. his heartbeat and breathing was a comfort to me when the sun went down, and when things got rough...his warmth kept me safe and feeling wanted during a very tough time in my life. he was my company when the kids went to school. he was my strength when i felt weak and threatened. when i looked into his amber eyes i knew he loved me unconditionally. he had these beautiful swirly cowlicks on his chest, and his eyes in the very center had the color of his fur etched near the pupil. this rare devotion so appreciated by me. i could not live without him or the sound of his paws clicking on the stone floor following right behind me. always.
until one night it all changed.
i relive this night often. it was surreal. at first we were encouraged by an optimistic vet, but then thought about just ending his terrible suffering...then there was an expensive emergency surgery which we hurriedly opted for, as we were running out of time. we went home after a successful surgery relieved he had made it. i visited him in his cage one last time, tongue hanging out and still under anesthesia, slowing opening his eyes, he saw me, i believe, and knew i was there. however all that optimism crashed when i was called at midnight to hear the searing words, "hes gone." this traumatic range of emotions was hard to digest. i know there is some lesson to be learned. im searching for the silver lining, not sure if it can be found. but you know what they say, all good things come to an end. just want our eyes to meet again, so i can feel our connection. but until then, my blue dog will stay alive in my heart...and bleudog remains as a steady reminder of his constant devotion and goodness. his sweetness and his amazing beauty. his constant companionship and integrity...even if he did sneak 17 red velvet cupcakes off the counter and i was cleaning up red goo for days...